Right, I can’t be the only mother like this. I plan all these awesome things to do. How lovely it will be, I think to myself as I arrange tickets, plan picnics and car journeys. It will be a great family memory I think, we shall all enjoy ourselves and wonder why we don’t do this more often. Then, normally about 5 nanoseconds into whatever activity I have planned, I remember why, and that’s because I will always want to leave Matt and Evie and run away from them forever. Because they are pains in the ass. Because this was a stupid idea. Because ffs CAN YOU STOP BICKERING FOR 2 SECONDS PLEASE. That’s right. The 3 year old and the 26 year old bicker. insert worlds biggest eye roll here.
- Meals out.
Just don’t bother, unless the place has wifi, a plug socket and you remember to take a fully charged iPad with you. Your child will act like they are flipping starving and then when their food arrives they won’t bloody want any of it anyway. Your partner will spend the whole meals in a low growl voice telling the toddler to behave. You will end up eating you meal cold as the child wont eat their an FFS I paid for this sodding well eat it. Just stay at home and cook some fish fingers, its all the small human wants anyway.
Again, don’t bother. You will spend half the week threatening to go home if the small human (read manthing) doesn’t behave, and then the second to last day you will be wondering where the time went. Your small human will want everything they see, wonders why ice cream cannot be served for breakfast lunch and dinner and then see’s yet another light up toy they want at the kids club which they break after ten mins.
- Going to do a food shop
I have now banned both manthing and small human from coming to do the ‘big’ shop with me. Manthing seems to think that if he is paying, sod all can go in the trolley but if I am paying, shit me it steaks every night of the week. Aldi have this annoying habit of putting the kids magazines in the front doorway so small human NEEDS the latest Cbeebies magazine at sodding £5 a go. I walk around wondering if I put my head in the freezer would I die to get out of this and we come home with a special buy of shite we don’t need but no butter or milk.
- Family film time
Why do I even bother because unless its ‘new’ Disney or brightly coloured musical shite she doesn’t want to watch it. If it is the latter he doesn’t want to watch it and to be honest the only reason I put it on was because I wanted a nap. So no one is getting what they want, are they!?
- Going for a walk with a scooter.
Just don’t you will be hauling it back after 2 mins because small human is an arse.
Until next time …