Ahh three year olds. Everyone warned me to be weary of having a two year old. However we pretty much sailed right through that one with minimal issues. So sod’s law meant that we would get a ‘threenager’. What is one of those, I hear you ask. Well its when you own a small human who is 3 years old biologically, however mentally she thinks she is 13. That stubbornness and attitude that you thought were a bloody decade away come and pay an early visit, a bit like how Braxton Hicks takes the piss out of you when you are scared of giving birth. So how do you know when you have a one of these beasts emerging? Well, buckle your seatbelts and I shall explain.
- You live with a know it all.Your cute little toddler wakes up on their 3rd birthday and they suddenly get a software upgrade. Now they know everything and mommy clearly didn’t get the fecking memo. Suddenly she can now place her hands upon her hips and tell me no. Brave little bugger. She has now decided that she no longer wants to tidy away her toys, and she thinks that you can’t threaten to take them away because they are ‘hers’. We are now starting to move away from this stupid ass phase, as she has now realised that actually, mommy will take them away.
- You child is a hoarder.Like literally nothing can go in the bin anymore. All the ‘crap n tat’ that comes in kids magazines? Check. Shitty little puzzle game from a long forgotten party bag? Of course! Broken hair clip. Let’s keep it forever. These are normally all stored in some Disney princess bag that they must bring to the shops with them, which means after 3 mins max you will be holding it grumbling to yourself that you swore she wasn’t bring this sodding thing again.
- Lip-gloss obsessed.This may actually just be my child. Thanks to her godmother, who held a previous job in Claire’s, Evie now has a penchant for lip balms and anything remotely resembling make up. She actually managed to con her Aunt out of a £10 set of Disney princess nail varnishes, a num nums lipgloss and numerous other lip balms. I always say why did you buy it her and I always get told that ‘oh she wanted it’. I want a range rover but this technique has not worked for me thus far. She actually was brought a my little pony lipgloss recently and I think she may of shat herself in excitement. So anyway, I now have to battle with a 3 year old each morning that pink glittery lip gloss is not okay for school. I’m dreading her finding the Mac Counter …..
- Naked DollsThis is a genuine pet peeve of mine. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE ALL THE CLOTHES OFF YOUR DOLLS FFS? Rage. Pure Rage. These dolls come with perfectly lovely clothes and shoes, yet for some unknown reason we make them all naked. Someone needs to just start selling naked Barbie’s, as they would make a killing. I mean I’m sure some sanctimommy would object but meh, screw her.
- They can run.The amount of times I have had to chase the small human around just so we can leave somewhere is untrue. If I wanted to run, I would join the Gym. Whenever we need to leave somewhere suddenly she turns into an Olympic sprint runner, and darts off before I can grab her. This normally happens in soft play, where I can’t climb in there and get her, so she waves at me through the netted walls above, mocking me.
- They have zero chill.Like none, nadda. The light turns red? Well you are going to have a solid 2 mins of ‘mommy go. Goooo mommy. Why is the car not moving mommy? Mommmmmmy’. The world will end if her programme is not on when she wants it, god forbid the Wi-Fi goes down because then my friend, you are in for a fate worse then death. When she goes in the shop and see’s the new my little pony mag isn’t in yet. Mate you are in for a killing. Like I said, they have no chill, if it isn’t going as they like then the world must burn.
- They are your best friends.You wasn’t expecting that was you? Haha. Its true, suddenly they can now come and give you a cuddle and say things like ‘ I love you mommy, you’re my best friend’. They come and cuddle you, just because they want to, not because you force them. She came to me last night when I was feeling unwell and just kissed my forehead and said ‘I hope you are better soon mama’. That’s a level of affection you cannot even begin to comprehend pre kids. She genuinely loves me, and I am as much her world as she is mine. Its magical and I wouldn’t trade it, or her, for the world.
So now we have an almost 4 year old … And I cannot wait to see what that will bring!
Until next time …