Ah food. I have a fantastic relationship with food. Haha jokes, I have an awful relationship with food. Always have done, hopeful that it will one day be cured. However since becoming a mama I have seemingly adopted the ‘mommy diet’.
I suppose you are wondering what on earth a ‘mummy’ diet is. Is it an actual diet? Does it work? Spoiler for you … nope.
So what on earth is it, well let me run through the day for you
7:00am – Serve the small human nutritious bowl of porridge/Greek yoghurt and fruit/ toast, as you understand how important breakfast is, how you need to start the day right. Pour yourself a cup of coffee.
7:15am – Give small human a glass of milk, for much need calcium. Remember about now cold coffee. Take a swig. Small human is still hungry. Offer Banana and then load the dishwasher / washing machine / quickly vacuum living room.
7:30am – Get small human washed and dressed. Remember coffee again. Remind yourself that you pay Starbucks to make it cold anyway and chug the rest of it.
7:55am – Shout at small human that you are going to be late, bundle her off to the childminder and head off to work. Remember that you have not eaten yet, however find half a packet of polos in the car and decide that two of those will do. Polo’s are soft, wonder how long those buggers have been there.
8:30am – Start work. Realise you are hungry and find a breakfast bar in your drawer. Console yourself that they are called breakfast bars for a reason and decide that it’s better than nothing!
12:20pm – Lunch time! You either a) are too bloody busy with student issues or dramas that you don’t even notice lunch time, b) your head is pounding, probably due to not eating, and decide that you are too ill to eat or c) pop to Tesco and buy a meal deal. If it is the latter you will manage about 4 bites of a sandwich before the bell goes and work starts again.
3:30pm – As the kids leave the door you realise just how starving hungry you are. You find a packet of biscuits from some meeting and scoff them whole. Only an hour left!
4:30pm – You run out of the office. You drive past numerous delightful places such as subway and kfc but are determined not to do it. You pick up the small human who proclaims she is starving. Lucky mare doesn’t know the meaning of the word.
5:30pm – You serve the small human one of the batch cooked meals you made for her. Cottage pie / sweet and sour chicken / spag bol, who knows its all pot luck. She gobbles it up and you start cleaning and prepping for when manthing comes home. You decide you may as well wait and eat with him.
7:00pm – Get the small human bathed and changed for bed. You make sure she is happy and brushed her teeth, and Daddy takes her to bed to read a story. You tidy up the chaos that is your living room and sneakily scoff one of her harbio sweeties. Yum.
7:30pm – You serve dinner. You are now past the point of hungry and casually push the food around your plate with your fork. Truth be told, you just want to go to bed.
8:30pm – Sit there watching some crap on tv and dream of bed. Hunger starts to resurface but you cant be arsed with that bollocks now.
9:30pm – Admit defeat and go to bed. Lie in bed for an hour on phone wishing you’d have eaten your meal earlier.
Wow, that looks so much worse written down. But I can’t be the only one … surely?!
Until next time …